What are you really feeling?

Anger. We all know what it’s like. Whether it’s being angry ourselves or being subject to someone else’s anger, this powerful and often overwhelming emotion can claim to be a part of most peoples’ lives. Even those of us who don’t ‘do anger’ can seem obviously angry to others as we quietly seeth and say nothing.

So what do we mean when we say we are angry? It’s definitely an emotion but is it the emotion that we are really having? In many years working as a counsellor and therapist I have come to regard anger a a secondary reactive emotion by which I mean it is a feeling we have when we can’t or won’t have the feeling that we are really experiencing. I can’t think of a single instance when it’s not possible to identify the genuine or authentic emotion behind an expression of anger whether it’s ours or someone else’s.

Let’s look at a couple of examples; How often have we heard someone say they are ‘hangry’ meaning that they get angry when they are hungry. I know I can be more than tetchy by 5pm if I skip my lunch. Now I know that hunger is not an emotion but as humans we are programmed to feel anxious when we need to eat as part of a survival mechanism and when we feel anxious and are not aware of it we can all too easily react and jump into anger. In anoth- er instance haven’t we all seen (or been) someone angrily berating a waiter or shop assistant because they (we) could not get the dish or item they (we) wanted. “I’m so angry, I really wanted that particular dish or those particular shoes”. Angry? Sounds more like disappointed to me. The difficulty is when we are having a strong emotion it can be hard to know what it is whilst we are actually having it and at the same time really easy to react to that feeling and slip effortlessly into anger.

It makes sense then that we can live more responsive and less reactive lives if we can recognise and begin to experience the genuine emotions we are having. This takes time and can often be most easily achieved with the help of someone who knows how they feel and can recognise what others are feeling and can communicate that with them. Over time we get more adept at noticing and accepting how we feel and therefore less likely to be catapulted into angry feelings.

This increased familiarity with our own emotions can really help when we encounter someone who is stuck in anger, either towards us or someone or something else. We can ask ourselves “What might they really be feeling?” and although it may not stop them behaving angrily, our understanding of what is happening for them can help us not to react but respond to them. If you would like support in learning new ways to navigate the complex world of your emotions, get in touch and make a start with one of our Lifetime counsellors.