Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me! I’m not sure just how true this old saying is.

In our work as counsellors at Lifetime we meet many people whose lives have been deeply affected, not by physical abuse but by the way they have been spoken to. In fact for many of our clients, simply witnessing verbal conflict has been enough to leave them deeply scarred, often believing that there was something ‘wrong’ with them in order to make sense of volatile situations.

Words are powerful and we would do well to use them carefully and with consideration. Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centred therapy cautions us from even telling someone that they are good, since it also implies that we have the power to tell them that they are bad. As humans we are programmed to look out for the bad, whether stated or implied.

A sad consequence of constantly hearing negative messages is that , over time, we can start to believe them and even give the same messages to ourselves. Kristen Neff, an expert in self-compassion talks about how brutal we can be to ourselves ‘in the privacy of our own head’. Changing these painful messages can take time.

Patience, compassion and support are essential aspects of successful therapy.

In my work with clients we often take a long look at the language we use. Moving away from self evaluation and the criticism can arise from it towards a descriptive way of thinking takes time. I frequently use how we talk about the weather to help my clients understand this concept. Most people evaluate the weather; they will say it is awful or marvellous when what is really true if we describe it is that it is rainy and cold or sunny and warm.

We can learn to apply the same principle ourself and our own process. Instead of saying ‘I can’t’ we can begin to say ‘It’s difficult for me’. This may sound like a small difference but the physiological effect can be profound. We begin to lower our levels of stress hormones and boost production of feel good ones.

Words like positive and negative are replaced with easy and difficult. Should becomes could and ‘the problem with me’ becomes ‘a thing that I do’.

At Lifetime our mission is to support individuals find a more compassionate and descriptive way of relating to themselves. Just as negative messages can stick if we hear them enough, so can compassionate ones and we pride ourselves in being able offer acceptance and compassion to everyone who contacts us.

Witnessing this growth in clients is a privilege of our work and we are fortunate in being able to do so.

We offer a range of counselling sessions with fees starting from just £20 with one of our talented interns.