As a veteran of two divorces and I’m married for the third time

My first marriage lasted for ten years, longer than the average, as the judge in court said. My second barely scraped fourteen months.

Divorce and shame

The feeling I had at the end of both was the same: shame. Ashamed that my long term marriage had fallen apart, and ashamed and foolish that I’d done it again in such a short time.

Society tells us that we shouldn’t get divorced. Despite all the recent loosenings of many of society’s strictures we’re still led to believe that divorce is a failure and that we divorcees are less than.

Divorce and blame

People divorce for many reasons - abuse, conflict, a divergence of shared goals. Often our relationships start along parallel lines but with time, children, new jobs and responsibilities, interests and goals, friendships and fall-outs, we realise we’re heading in different directions. Most of the time, no one is at fault, but that doesn’t mean we don’t apportion blame.

Years ago, there had to be a plaintiff and defendant in a divorce case. Now those terms are petitioner (for the person who files first) and respondent. As of January 2020, divorcing couples no longer have to blame one another for the breakdown of their relationship. The new terms are respectful and thoughtful, encouraging couples to ask civilly for a divorce and to answer after reasonable time and consideration. Respond is a word we use a lot at Lifetime. Unlike react, it takes a breath, making space for compassion. Whatever the circumstances, it’s unlikely that anyone wanted things to end up this way. Everyone involved is wounded. Compassion and empathy can help.

Counselling and divorce

Many people come to counselling to decide whether they should or shouldn’t divorce their partner, and whilst it’s never our place to offer an opinion, our conversations lead to greater clarity.

I often say to people who are worried about the impact of a divorce on their partner: if you care about them wouldn’t you agree they deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants a relationship with them? Sometimes we can be astonished to discover that there is a choice.

Divorce and children

One of the greatest anxieties for people considering divorce is around the wellbeing of children. There are two schools of thought: stay for the children or leave for the children. At Lifetime, our practice values are openness and honesty. Fostering that same mindset, it follows that children should not grow up in an incongruent environment. A helpful question can be, would you prefer your kids to live alongside a loveless relationship or open up the possibility for them to witness functionality?

Divorce lawyers and counsellors

Divorce drags the most personal parts of our life into the public sphere where we encounter a bewildering barrage of legalese: technical jargon that feels entirely inappropriate when applied to a sad, painful situation.

Looking for comfort from a lawyer is not helpful. It’s not personal or that they don’t care, it’s just that they know an emotional solicitor is not what you need.

I know when I cried in my solicitor’s office it was more painful for him than for me. and that he would have welcomed a leaflet.

My first divorce was the reason I became a counsellor. I’m not suggesting for a moment that it’s the same for everyone, but the counselling I received helped me to deal with how difficult it was. The crisis became an opportunity and I believe people who are facing divorce should consider having some emotional support - whatever form that takes.